Dear Moz, Mum suggested that I write to you. She thinks I need to and that it will help me. It’s been a while. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to do this. I really wanted to because you deserve to always be remembered. You were amazing. 

I hurt deep inside. It’s a feeling of real darkness and sorrow. I miss you. I miss your smell, your softness, and your presence. I felt like we were one. That if you weren’t with me then how can I be me?

 

 

I have lost my best friend in his own little fur coat.

 

 

How can I never see you again? How can I live with this possibility and remain happy. It’s hard to imagine. Maybe one day it will happen.

 

 

I don’t know if it’s like loosing a child because I have never lost one. You were never above me or below me, you were always beside me. Please don’t ever let me have taken you for granted. 

 

I feel pain deep in my throat and I think it is because of the lump that comes every time I think of you. It seems easier when we are busy and when we don’t have time to allow you into our minds. I know that we can’t live like this forever. I just want to think about you and remember you and not hurt at the same time. I want to stop feeling so desperate to see you and cuddle you. If you were here I wouldn’t need to feel this way.

 

 

I can feel your soft bendy ears. I remember folding your ears down to cover your cheeks and taking your face in my hands and kissing you all over. Telling you that you smell like biscuits. You would just sit and let out little noises of pleasure and love and comfort. The little piece at the base of your ear was like velvet. Please never let me forget that. Or the loose skin on your elbows or tucking my cold feet under your pits. How you would let me do it because you knew it kept me warm.

 

 

Please never let me forget how we would hold hands on the couch and watch movies. How you always had to be so comfortable and close. How you had to lean on me or touch me or put your head on my shoulder when we were driving.

 

 

I will never feel as safe as you made me feel. I have lost my sense of security without you in my life.

 

 

Your bed is still here. Your smackos are still in the red tin. I am so sorry you are not here. I feel guilty that you aren’t here. I want to know you are safe and warm. I don’t want you to be lonely or to miss us too much. I wish I could see where you are. I want to make sure you are ok. You need to know that I still love you as much as I always have. That you are my little man and you always will be.

 

 

Did I care for you enough? Did you know you were sick? Did we take your treatment too far? Is there anything I could have done to keep you? Why did you have to go? I just want one more cuddle. Just to see you one more time. Just to hold your face and kiss you and smell biscuits. I have to go now, but I haven’t finished. There is still so much more to say.

 

I love you.

 

Mummy

x